Cortenifora™ Memory Aid
Helps recall entirely fictional years. Is it a memory or a moment?
Possible Side Effects of Cortenifora™ Memory Aid
Side effects may include, but are not limited to:
- Remembering why you entered a room but forgetting what room it was
- Remembering the name of an actor from a 1993 commercial but not your neighbor’s name
- Sudden recall of locker combinations from middle school
- Temporary inability to forget song lyrics, especially jingles
- Mild déjà vu about events that definitely did not happen
- False confidence in trivia night answers
- Calling people by the correct name but with alarming intensity
- Brief emotional attachment to forgotten passwords
- Vivid recollections of meals you did not particularly enjoy
- Remembering the plot of a movie incorrectly, but with conviction
Additional side effects may include:
- Replaying conversations from ten years ago with new arguments
- Feeling smug while recalling obscure facts no one asked for
- Momentary belief that you invented a common phrase
- Remembering where you parked, but not why you drove
- Accidental time travel to 2008 via Facebook memories
- Sudden urge to alphabetize books you don’t own
- Remembering birthdays but forgetting ages
- Remembering ages but forgetting people
- Confusing dreams with memories and memories with dreams
- Making eye contact while saying, “I remember this exactly”
Less common but reported effects include:
- Hyper-specific nostalgia for smells
- Remembering a childhood pet that may or may not have existed
- Recalling the layout of a house you visited once in 1997
- Mentally rearranging furniture from past apartments
- Vivid memory of a waiter who was “very polite”
- Emotional response to old receipts
- Remembering arguments you won only in hindsight
- Recalling names of teachers while forgetting what they taught
- Sudden awareness of how long ago 2015 actually was
Rare but notable side effects:
- Remembering a joke halfway through telling it
- Forgetting the punchline but laughing anyway
- Remembering an email draft you never sent
- Re-experiencing secondhand embarrassment from decades ago
- Remembering passwords almost correctly
- Remembering PIN numbers but not which card they belong to
- Becoming overly confident in eyewitness testimony
- Mistaking recollection for wisdom
- Confusing memory retention with personal growth
Psychological side effects may include:
- Questioning whether memory is identity
- Feeling nostalgic for times you disliked at the time
- Believing your memory is “finally working”
- Distrust of people who remember things differently
- Mild superiority complex during family storytelling
- Existential unease triggered by remembering too much
- Wondering who you were before you remembered all this
Cognitive side effects may include:
- Remembering lists but forgetting priorities
- Remembering priorities but ignoring them
- Remembering tasks immediately after missing deadlines
- Remembering deadlines from jobs you no longer have
- Over-indexing on details that do not matter
- Believing memory equals accuracy
- Recalling facts with misplaced confidence
Social side effects:
- Correcting others unnecessarily
- Saying “Actually…” more often
- Bringing up memories no one else shares
- Insisting “you were there” when they were not
- Becoming the unofficial family historian
- Being asked to stop telling the same remembered story
If symptoms persist, worsen, or begin to narrate your life internally, discontinue use and consult a professional, a notebook, or someone who remembers things differently than you do.
