Dear Team Member,

It has come to the attention of Human Resources that you have recently demonstrated surrealistic tendencies within the work environment which, while at times “festively impressive,” have now escalated into conduct that is inconsistent with the behavioral expectations outlined in the Employee Handbook, Section 4.7(b): General Non-Absurdism in Shared Spaces.

Recent reports indicate the following incidents, all of which are now part of an official Advent Behavior Review:

1. Performing a can-can routine in the Copy Room after claiming that “the Algorithmic Toucan told me the December Grind is unconstitutional.”
2. Reciting deodorant haiku aloud during a budget meeting, asserting that “MitchumGPT deserves to be heard.”
3. Placing a beret atop a (thankfully fake) Beretta stapler and referring to it as “Art,” adding that it was “an homage to Day 3 and the French New Wave.”
4. Submitting a rhyming legal brief instead of a Q3 report, with every sentence ending in the word “because,” and then insisting that this was “established Advent precedent.”
5. Telling coworkers to ‘consult the Advent archives’ when asked routine questions such as “Where is the HDMI cable” and “Have you seen the intern.”
6. Hanging mistletoe over the server rack, declaring it “a symbolic merger of love and infrastructure.”

Please be advised that while the company values creativity, seasonality, and—in appropriate contexts—deranged whimsy, there is growing concern that you have begun to blur operational boundaries between the workplace and the expanding canon of the multi-year Advent universe (2018–2024).

This includes references to:

• The Mole Who Guacamole’d the Moon (2024),
• The Toilet Seat Trailer Hitch Diplomatic Incident (2021),
• The EIS Deluxe Erotic Advent Calendar for Singles and Couples (2022),
• The Dog Mask Poodle Head NFT (2023),
• And the ongoing, inexplicable matter of Why the Santa Margarita Dashboard Residue Was Ever Preserved in Blockchain (2025 Pre-Release).

Immediate Expectations

Effective immediately, you are instructed to cease:

• Juggling pecans as a communication strategy,
• Delivering status updates entirely in haiku,
• Referring to corporate deadlines as “ritual constraints,”
• Attempting to introduce “Festive Speech Doctrine” as a protected form of expression,
• Bringing roasted chestnuts into meetings “for ambiance,”
• Any further attempts to unionize office plants under the banner of “Flora First.”

Failure to comply may result in disciplinary action, up to and including removal from the Advent Creation Committee, reassignment to Parking Level B – Non-Thematic Storage, or mandatory participation in a Reality Re-Alignment Workshop (RRW-42).

Required Next Steps

Please schedule a mandatory meeting with HR using the link provided below:

A member of the HR team—potentially accompanied by Security—will walk you through acceptable December expressions, including:

• Appropriate festive attire (non-sentient),
• Proper decorum while interacting with AI-generated deities,
• And the legal definition of “Not Everything Is a Gift.”

In closing, while we appreciate your enthusiasm for the Advent series, we ask that you remember the fundamental distinction between Holiday Creativity and Operational Reality.